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| I've always wanted that brotherly/sisterly intimate relationship. I have many half siblings but unfortunately none of them have any amount of time invested/emotional ties/ or even hellos. Being raised young and by a lady 6 decades my elder I didn't get much time for emotional relationships, at least deep ones. I have a hard time being consoled, it's because I've always done it on my own. Consoling yourself through tough times skews your vision and thoughts of how things really are. I've been a pretty shitty person but my self proclaimed awesomeness has been preventative in drawing the attention of my concious. I long for true intamacy yet inevitably manage to screw up anything remotely resembling it. For that, I am sorry. Many times I have been referred to as "Joshua freaking stephens," when in actuality it should be "Joshua hypercritical lame ass stepehns." Has a much better sound to it, doesn't it? 90% of the time the only feeling I can seem to express is anger. It is eating me alive. At my core I am a loveable, outgoing, charasmatic kind of guy. I enjoy evenings with the wifey, preferably low key. Yet in this low key i some how manage my inner drop "D," instead of Bach's "Ave Maria." Why do I do this? Presumably, I'm a douche at my innermost core. These two versions of me intertwined passionatley dancing a slow waltz...one waiting their toes to be stepped upon. And once the blugeoned foot is aloof, the vicious double edged sword slices. My upbrining is no excuse however it explains my methodology. When feeling attacked retaliation comes with utmost force devestating all parties involved. I am sorry I hurt you, over and over again. | | |
| i just want to cry.
people. i dont know why i did this.
its been awhile, eh? | | |
| goodbye everyone. it was fun while it lasted.
i miss you randy.
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| ladies and gents: thank you so much for all of your prayers laetely. my grandma has returned hom and is doing quite better. you should come by and say hi, she would love that. so again, thank you to all of you who have faithfully kept her in your prayers.
second. as most of you know i have somewhat retired form the "rock & roll" seen. until now. yes, i have come out of retirement. i am playing with some of the guys from Utica[devin], and The Secret State[cody], as well as wtm[jon hatch]...and myself. the music is similar to but not as hard as and more catchier than www.myspace.com/utica if you know someone that can sing and could possibly make the best front man you have ever seen, even mightier that the amazing kirk baxley, then get in touch with me asap.
& third: Natalie Elaine Woods is the most rad person in the entire world. i am now taken off the market. [boo's heard in the background] i know. let me tell you its so worth it. ive probably said too much all ready so i must go.
so if you ever wanna hang 214 384 0672. lets do it. no excuses | | |
| well guys i must say the only thing tha matters is Christ, the Messiah. I pray that all of you whom are going back to school would have an extravegant time. Win souls, teach and grow people in the truth. Show unending love. Do not be judgemental but be "real." i love you all.
and second: my grandma had a heart attack on friday and is now in the hospital. they are doing numerous tests on her to see exactly whats wrong. she's 70 and still foin strong. i would hope that you would pray for her recovery. thank you very much. and i oh so greatly appreciate all of your phone calls, all of your texts. i so thank you for that so much...and i am sorry but i would not really like to talk about it.. so please i appreciate the condelences, but ill tell you when the time is right. | | |
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